Elemental Parenting

A few weeks ago, I began a series called Passing on Faith to explore some of the views there are when it comes to parents passing on faith to their children. The first post in this series talked about viewing faith as an inheritance. If you missed it, be sure to check it out.

Today, we’re going to look at an article by Rev. Raymond J. de Souza that was originally posted in The National Post on February 25, 2010. Be sure to check out the article in it’s entirety.

de Souza sees the act of passing on faith as being willing to engage the BIG questions in life:

“Parents owe their children the best of themselves. Their best is not only good schools and extracurricular programs. It is their basic values, including their answers to the ultimate questions.”

He goes on to say,

“Parents owe their children their best answers to the deepest questions. Children are genuinely interested in the larger questions, as anyone who has spent an hour with a four-year-old asking “why” about everything knows. For many parents though, being honest with their children provokes an awkward examination of conscience. The religious formation of children requires one to be honest about one’s own religious practice.”

I believe that this issue of trying to provide answers to “ultimate questions” is where parents stumble the most. Most parents (me included) feel inadequate and unprepared to answer these questions. We feel that if we don’t know the answers, then we should avoid these types of questions and leave it up to the professionals to answer them.

It is here where I think that the church can make one of the greatest impacts on a parent either negatively or positively.

The church can point out to parents that they are “abdicating their responsibility” to pass on faith to their children. The church can browbeat parents, making them feel guilty for not having the spiritual maturity to be able to address these ultimate questions. In so doing, the church either pushes these parents further away from the faith of their children or creates parents who, out of guilt, superficially or legalistically whip their families into shape.

The other thing churches can do is meet parents where they are and honestly admit that the “professionals” don’t even have all the answers. The church can encourage parents to humbly journey in faith alongside their children, learning together and growing together. The church can cheer parents on and help parents see where they already are positively passing on faith. When churches do this, they raise up families excited to grow in faith together.

Maybe better than answering the BIG questions, passing on faith is about exploring the BIG questions and seeking out where God is in those questions.

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A huge HT (hat tip) to Jared Kennedy for this resource for families!

The resource is called Let Your Kingdom Come: Preparing Your Hears for the King by Carri Garvey. It is a devotional guide for families to do during Holy Week beginning with Palm Sunday. There are daily readings and reflections as well as using the idea of the Advent Wreath and putting a little twist on it so that it becomes a Lenten Wreath. In addition to the readings, there are some suggestions on how you can learn and reflect as a family during all of Holy Week.

Jared found this resource from another site called Passionate Homemaking.

I’m definitely going to try this with my family.

Oh, by the way, did I mention that the guide is FREE! Yes! So go ahead and download it and tell parents you know about it!

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(photo originally uploaded to Flickr by sean drellinger)

I began this series entitled Passing on Faith over at Elemental Children’s Ministry and thought that it would be good to crosspost the series over here at Elemental Parenting. My senior pastor sent me a couple of articles that sparked the series on Passing on Faith. The first article is from The National Post, written by Brendan T.N. Caldwell who is a CEO of an investment management company.

Click here to read the article.

I thought the parallel of passing on a financial inheritance with the passing on of faith to be a really good picture. Caldwell talks about going from “shirtsleeves to shirtsleeves in three generations.” In other words, the first generation works hard to earn financial stability, the second generation enjoys and lives off of that, and the inheritance is gone by the third generation who needs to roll up their sleeves and start over.

“When it comes to faith, our nation is somewhere between the second and third generation. We still enjoy the benefits of a society whose ethics are rooted in faith, but we have forgotten how we got here and we may soon need to rebuild again.”

I think the above quote hits the nail on the head. Now, we can look at that assessment and become discouraged by it, or we can look at that and head into the challenge of “starting over.” While this may not be what we want to do, it is what is put before us.

“In a society that has largely forgotten God, how do parents pass along a spiritual inheritance to their children?”

I think Caldwell states something that is key to answering the question he poses. He reminds parents that our children first and foremost belong to God. He wants to be their father as well as ours, and it is our job as parents to introduce our children to him. We do that by sharing our God stories with them. We need to connect our children with community beyond us who hold the same beliefs and values we do. We also need to stay faithful ourselves be an example of a follower of Christ that our children see from day-to-day.

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I was initially disheartened when I started reading this article. Is there really no guarantee that my children will be Christ followers? No matter what I do, I can’t be one hundred percent certain that they will choose to practice my faith? What’s the point, then, of trying so hard? What’s the point in having kids?

However, as I read more and considered what I was reading, I realized that the author is right. I’ve known too many families and too many people with all the “right” situations and variables only to have their children choose (at least for a time) their own way. I also know too many people who grew up in situations completely void of any mention of God, who have since found a place in the Body of Christ.

The oft-quoted Proverb which is the basis for many parenting ideologies and messages seems to be used in a self-serving manner. While as parents we love our children and believe we have the best intentions, surrendering them to God’s love, the Holy Spirit’s working, and the Saviour’s call means we don’t have ultimate say in their lives. It’s hard to surrender that false sense of control.

If I am honest with myself, I will admit that more often than not, children who grow up in godly homes will take some time out from their parents’ faith to explore the “dark side.” Regardless if some return or not, parents who are still in the trenches of the younger years (like myself) almost always look at the parents and wonder where they went wrong. We forget that a person’s faith is between that person and God, no matter how much we try to push or pray.

In the church I am a part of, parents publicly dedicate their young children to God. With each of our four children, I saw that day as a dedication day of myself as a parent. I cannot control the outcomes of my parenting years, but I can control what kind of parent I am. And for that, I need God’s help and divine wisdom.

However, this article seems to push me to think beyond my view of dedication. I’m not just pledging myself to be a Spirit-led parent; I am pledging myself to continue to be a Spirit-led person. (And if I am honest with myself and with you readers, being Spirit-led has been the most challenging since becoming a parent.) When I respond to my whiney child with patience, when I set aside my harshness, when I choose to forgive my child and not hold a grudge against them for the rest of the day, that is being a Spirit-led person.

I appreciated the phrase “parent faithfully.” It has a dual meaning to me: to keep on being the parent even when I’m worn out, and to let my faith flow into my parenting, just like it ought to flood every other part of my life.

I also felt released from pressure I feel from parenting gurus who have all the answers. There are no formulas. As a Christ-follower, my love for people apart from Christ simply extends to my own children. I can control their bedtime and their nutritional habits, but I cannot control their moral or spiritual choices. The dynamic is different because of our relationship and my responsibility to them.

The article reminds me to remember that my four children are people, not my subjects. They are my potential brothers and sisters in Christ. Yes, they are in my physical, spiritual, and emotional care, which is a huge load of responsibility, but they are fellow human beings.

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Christianity Today’s most recent cover article is entitled The Myth of the Perfect Parent. I was found out about this article from my friend Larry Shallenberger or at the Children’s Ministry and Culture blog.

As I read the article, I found myself saying things like, “YES!” and “EXACTLY!” out loud. One of the first things I like to tell parents when they ask me about raising children is to ignore all the parenting books and magazines and figure out what works for you. Sometimes it seems that the only purpose for all the expert parenting advice out there is to make you feel guilty for not getting it right. Sheesh! Then, if you are a Christian, there is all this pressure to make sure you are following “biblical” parenting methods otherwise your children might walk away from church and from faith!

The last time I checked, children were human beings with wills of their own. Yes, as parents, we need to guide our children. We need to facilitate their physical, emotional, and spiritual growth. The catch is, though, that our children get to choose how they live in the end. There is nothing we can do or not do to guarantee any kind of outcome. This is a very scary thing because that means we don’t have as much control as we’d like to think about how our children come out.

Does this mean that we do nothing? Of course not! What it does mean is that many parents need to give themselves a pass. Stop putting so much pressure on yourself to be the “perfect parent.” There is no such thing. If parenting “experts” can’t even agree on what a perfect parent looks like, why should we? The best we can do, according to the author of the Christianity Today article, is to be faithful parents. I like that. Not perfect parents. Not even intentional parents. Faithful parents.

Being a faithful parent means you show up. It means you love your kids. It means you equip and empower them to make wise choices and then trust that they will. It means, if you are a Christian, you put your children in the hands of the Holy Spirit because he love them more than you ever will.

I think we need more voices encouraging parents like this. Read the article and pass it on to some friends.

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Warning: Before watching this video, be aware that there might be some images that might be disturbing for younger children.

When disasters like the one in Haiti happen, sometimes it is hard for us as parents to know how to help our children respond. How do we explain why bad things happen? How do we help our children process the images they see on TV and online?

I think the best thing we can do is listen to our children. Give them an opportunity to express what they are feeling whether it be through art or words. Ask them how they feel about what they are hearing and seeing. Ask them how they think God feels about what is going on. Ask them how they think Haitians feel about what is going on. Listen to them. Don’t worry about correcting their views. Let them express what they are thinking and feeling.

Now, here’s what I believe is a key thing to do in helping children learn how to respond to the darkness of pain and suffering… ask your children how they think they can help. Take their suggestions seriously. Take action as a family. Give to organizations like Compassion International, World Vision or the American Red Cross who are mobilizing teams to aid in Haiti. Pray as a family for what is going on there. Allow your children to pray. Find ways to express hope and sympathy to the people in Haiti.

When darkness rears its ugly head, which it always does, help your children to respond by shining the light of hope.

We’d love to hear how your family has responded to the crisis in Haiti. Please leave a comment and share your ideas.

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