Elemental Parenting

I was initially disheartened when I started reading this article. Is there really no guarantee that my children will be Christ followers? No matter what I do, I can’t be one hundred percent certain that they will choose to practice my faith? What’s the point, then, of trying so hard? What’s the point in having kids?

However, as I read more and considered what I was reading, I realized that the author is right. I’ve known too many families and too many people with all the “right” situations and variables only to have their children choose (at least for a time) their own way. I also know too many people who grew up in situations completely void of any mention of God, who have since found a place in the Body of Christ.

The oft-quoted Proverb which is the basis for many parenting ideologies and messages seems to be used in a self-serving manner. While as parents we love our children and believe we have the best intentions, surrendering them to God’s love, the Holy Spirit’s working, and the Saviour’s call means we don’t have ultimate say in their lives. It’s hard to surrender that false sense of control.

If I am honest with myself, I will admit that more often than not, children who grow up in godly homes will take some time out from their parents’ faith to explore the “dark side.” Regardless if some return or not, parents who are still in the trenches of the younger years (like myself) almost always look at the parents and wonder where they went wrong. We forget that a person’s faith is between that person and God, no matter how much we try to push or pray.

In the church I am a part of, parents publicly dedicate their young children to God. With each of our four children, I saw that day as a dedication day of myself as a parent. I cannot control the outcomes of my parenting years, but I can control what kind of parent I am. And for that, I need God’s help and divine wisdom.

However, this article seems to push me to think beyond my view of dedication. I’m not just pledging myself to be a Spirit-led parent; I am pledging myself to continue to be a Spirit-led person. (And if I am honest with myself and with you readers, being Spirit-led has been the most challenging since becoming a parent.) When I respond to my whiney child with patience, when I set aside my harshness, when I choose to forgive my child and not hold a grudge against them for the rest of the day, that is being a Spirit-led person.

I appreciated the phrase “parent faithfully.” It has a dual meaning to me: to keep on being the parent even when I’m worn out, and to let my faith flow into my parenting, just like it ought to flood every other part of my life.

I also felt released from pressure I feel from parenting gurus who have all the answers. There are no formulas. As a Christ-follower, my love for people apart from Christ simply extends to my own children. I can control their bedtime and their nutritional habits, but I cannot control their moral or spiritual choices. The dynamic is different because of our relationship and my responsibility to them.

The article reminds me to remember that my four children are people, not my subjects. They are my potential brothers and sisters in Christ. Yes, they are in my physical, spiritual, and emotional care, which is a huge load of responsibility, but they are fellow human beings.

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Christianity Today’s most recent cover article is entitled The Myth of the Perfect Parent. I was found out about this article from my friend Larry Shallenberger or at the Children’s Ministry and Culture blog.

As I read the article, I found myself saying things like, “YES!” and “EXACTLY!” out loud. One of the first things I like to tell parents when they ask me about raising children is to ignore all the parenting books and magazines and figure out what works for you. Sometimes it seems that the only purpose for all the expert parenting advice out there is to make you feel guilty for not getting it right. Sheesh! Then, if you are a Christian, there is all this pressure to make sure you are following “biblical” parenting methods otherwise your children might walk away from church and from faith!

The last time I checked, children were human beings with wills of their own. Yes, as parents, we need to guide our children. We need to facilitate their physical, emotional, and spiritual growth. The catch is, though, that our children get to choose how they live in the end. There is nothing we can do or not do to guarantee any kind of outcome. This is a very scary thing because that means we don’t have as much control as we’d like to think about how our children come out.

Does this mean that we do nothing? Of course not! What it does mean is that many parents need to give themselves a pass. Stop putting so much pressure on yourself to be the “perfect parent.” There is no such thing. If parenting “experts” can’t even agree on what a perfect parent looks like, why should we? The best we can do, according to the author of the Christianity Today article, is to be faithful parents. I like that. Not perfect parents. Not even intentional parents. Faithful parents.

Being a faithful parent means you show up. It means you love your kids. It means you equip and empower them to make wise choices and then trust that they will. It means, if you are a Christian, you put your children in the hands of the Holy Spirit because he love them more than you ever will.

I think we need more voices encouraging parents like this. Read the article and pass it on to some friends.

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(picture originally uploaded to Flickr by neoneddy)

When it comes to kids and being online, there is no way to be sure that they aren’t going to come into contact with (accidentally or intentionally) inappropriate material. There are some things, though, that we can do to help our children cultivate habits that minimize the amount of digital fodder they come in contact with.

One of the easiest ways to help your children stay safe online is to limit the accessibility of online content.

• Content Filters
  Content filters are programs that keep certain sites and I’m not a huge fan of content filters. They are unreliable and easily bypassed. There are different types including software that you put on your computer, parental locks (sort of like the V-chip on your TV), web-based filters, and Internet Service Provider-based filters. This is a very passive form of monitoring accessibility. I lean more towards helping your children develop their own internal filters. You can check out this Wikipedia article for more info on content filters.

• Keep Computers in Public Areas
  One of the easiest ways to prevent intentional access of inappropriate material and a way to deal with stuff that pops up inadvertently is to keep computers in the open. Personally, I don’t think it is a good idea for children to have a computer in their room that is connected to the internet. By having internet-connected computers out in the open, everyone is able to see what is being accessed. It is also easy to help your children deal with any inappropriate content that pops up.
• Budgeting Internet Time
  It is very easy to lose track of time and wander aimlessly while online because there is no definite stopping point when you are online. I don’t know about your children, but mine begin to press links and buttons and enter random search terms when they start getting bored online… they wander. It is very easy to stumble across inappropriate material if you wander aimlessly online. In order to prevent that from happening, the best thing to do is to budget how much time your children spend online (budgeting online time is also beneficial for other things as well). Children should not have free reign of online access until they have learned how to budget their online time themselves.

Those are just some ideas when it comes to limiting the accessibility of online content. Next, we’ll look at helping children be intentional with their use of the internet.

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Warning: Before watching this video, be aware that there might be some images that might be disturbing for younger children.

When disasters like the one in Haiti happen, sometimes it is hard for us as parents to know how to help our children respond. How do we explain why bad things happen? How do we help our children process the images they see on TV and online?

I think the best thing we can do is listen to our children. Give them an opportunity to express what they are feeling whether it be through art or words. Ask them how they feel about what they are hearing and seeing. Ask them how they think God feels about what is going on. Ask them how they think Haitians feel about what is going on. Listen to them. Don’t worry about correcting their views. Let them express what they are thinking and feeling.

Now, here’s what I believe is a key thing to do in helping children learn how to respond to the darkness of pain and suffering… ask your children how they think they can help. Take their suggestions seriously. Take action as a family. Give to organizations like Compassion International, World Vision or the American Red Cross who are mobilizing teams to aid in Haiti. Pray as a family for what is going on there. Allow your children to pray. Find ways to express hope and sympathy to the people in Haiti.

When darkness rears its ugly head, which it always does, help your children to respond by shining the light of hope.

We’d love to hear how your family has responded to the crisis in Haiti. Please leave a comment and share your ideas.

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(picture originally uploaded to Flickr by fd)

There is one question I always ask my kids when they go online, “What are you going to do?” The reason I ask this (and I tell them why) is to reinforce for them that when they go online, they need to have a reason. There are too many harmful things online for my children to simply “surf the web.” It also instills in them a sense of accountability. I wouldn’t let my young children simply wander through the neighborhood without a destination. The same goes for my children exploring the more global virtual neighborhood.

Online Family Norton recently published the top 100 searches of kids in 2009. Sitting at number one, two and three are YouTube, Google and Facebook respectively. Then at four and five? Can you guess? Sex and Porn.

Now, you might be thinking, “That’s because this includes teenage boys, and teenage boys are bound to search for stuff like that.” Well, when you take a look at the breakdown in ages the number four search term for children 7 and under is porn… beating out Club Penguin (#5) and Webkinz (#7).

Before you run to yank the cable modem from the wall, there are some less reactive and more effective ways of helping your children make wise choices on the internet. Over the next few days, I will share what we’ve done with our children.

In the meantime, I’d love to hear what you all do to help your children navigate the internet with integrity and wisdom.

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I’m not quite sure I remember where I first saw the picture above. One of the blogs I read had it. Apparently, Failbooking.com is a site where you can submit fake or real pictures of humorous social site messups. I laughed hysterically when I read it.

I loved the creativity with which this mom chose to deal with what her daughter said.

• Are you aware of what your children are doing online?
• What do you do to help your children make wise decision when it comes to viewing and posting online content?

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